With jack’s birthday having passed and now being a parent to a 3 year old and a 4 year old, I always reflect on the small age gap between them and wonder was it for the best. Of course there are pros and cons to everything in parenting, and the more time goes on the more confident I am that it was the right decision. But in some aspects I feel a little sad at the things I didn’t realise I was missing out on.
With Alice at school, I have 6 hours a day several days a week where all of my attention is on Jack. Yes, he may have fallen a little by the wayside when he was a baby, with the activities never being focused around him, and with less of a fanfare when he reached his milestones. But now, when it really matters, he has all of my time. When Alice was his age, she had to contend with a tiny terrorist rampaging everywhere with no fear or awareness of danger. There would have been no way I could properly give her all of me to help her ride her bike, or take her swimming just the two of us, or even build something without Jack being involved and invariably being destructive and in the way.
Has she suffered because of this? I always thought she just wasn’t such a physically capable child in comparison to Jack; not everyone enjoys it or wants to be on the move all the time. She’s most content with a book. But is that because in those really formative years there just wasn’t the time to dedicate to it? All this time I pour into Jack, watching him truly thrive from it makes me feel awful that Alice was denied that. There again, they’re that much older now and I still can’t give them that undivided time. So is it that I had two children within two years, or is it just that I have two children? That the very nature of having more than one is that you spread yourself a little thinner, can never give your all to one, but to each you give the other.
In this regard, coronavirus eases my guilt. When Alice turned three, we may not have been able to do much, or go anywhere, but she had a sibling and a friend to spend her days with and that truly was invaluable. She wasn’t missing out on one-on-one swimming, or special coffee dates, because everything was closed. And this is where I am so pleased their age gap is small; they are true friends. Their interests are the same, their abilities are similar. They can go to the same football class, they can use the same equipment in the park, it’s just much more convenient. Neither has to compromise their time for the other to have fun, and the most fun of all is together. They may fight like cat and dog, but at least they’re the same size so it makes for a level playing field!
There’s no denying that the baby stage was certainly challenging. Double nappies is enough to make anyone weep, but I was relieved to have condensed the baby stage rather than escaping it and reliving it. I was still in the routine of naps, baby classes and nappies with Alice and so Jack slotted in easily. And on that topic, I became the master of a double nap…triple if I treated myself! I feel that by having two children close in age, I was able to tick off the monotony of babyhood much quicker. I also didn’t have to grapple with the challenges of introducing another baby to our family, as Alice was a baby herself! At 20 months, she didn’t truly register the implications of having a sibling, and she can’t remember a life without him. She soaked up all the fun of a real life doll, with none of the anxiety of changing family dynamics. And as they have grown together, so to have their interests. They both enjoy the same things and because of the small age gap they are able to do those things together.
But the toll on my mental strength, for the short term, was difficult. I completely lost my sense of self, which was exacerbated with breastfeeding meaning I was basically on a two hour freedom curfew for about 3 years. I don’t regret it, but I do reflect on that deeply intense time and wonder how I did it. Yes, almost everyone raises children, but that doesn’t make it any less of an amazing feat. Trickling back into normality both through the children growing and COVID restrictions easing has felt like a baptism of fire as everyone yearns to reconnect. But it can be a little overwhelming after living in your comfies and with tiny humans being your only form of conversation. I had no period where I wasn’t pregnant, breastfeeding or both for four years. So to then suddenly be expected to dress up and go out, be perky and sociable while you’re still utterly exhausted, is a little anxiety inducing. Your body has changed and you’re a different person from before you gave birth.
So yes, I am pleased. It was so hard at first, but isn’t having a baby a bit tricky anyway?! And the first year of juggling two was worth it for the ease of their close age now. Each family will feel differently, of this I am sure, but for us this has turned out perfectly. Someone just yesterday was telling me that three was the magic number of children, which made me recoil in horror. But she couldn’t stress the joy of three enough! Others love the time and attention you can focus on an only child. And plenty of others rave about a slightly larger age gap. The joy of families is their diversity. And I love mine most of all.
The Ginger Trio 