Being the default parent is mentally physically and emotionally draining. I can’t log off, there’s always outstanding tasks that need attending to and the bosses are regularly screaming at me. And returning to school has upped the ante on the demands of default parenting to the point where I am shattered.
The instant response to my whimper of the struggles of my position is that I am fortunate enough to work part time. The very nature of having extra time with the children does mean more responsibility and not just extra days of fun. But the things that need tending to keep growing and snowballing until suddenly I can never switch off. Until being chained to a desk for my actual job is a treat because I don’t have to physically juggle anything else. Oh, except for in my lunch break it would be handy to book that doctors appointment in and reply to the email from school.
Quite often, the tasks that need to be done cannot practically be carried out with the children around, and so it overlaps into the very rare time when the children are sleeping. After long days parenting, instead of unwinding and doing something for myself, I’m packing lunch for the next day, or getting the bags ready for the school run. And then onto adult life admin. It can feel relentless and really really tedious.
And this is only one aspect of it. It’s the ferrying between parties, buying of presents for said parties, organising costumes for various activities. Logistically coordinating annual leave to cover the school holidays, arranging fun activities at the weekends. And, most recently of all, school projects. The school will know that five year olds are not capable of even vaguely thinking up a concept for a feasible project which leaves me, a woman in my thirties, with homework. Which is the last thing I need to add to my list. I don’t begrudge being able to be very present in the children’s lives, but I actually feeling that having to coordinate everything all of the time has created the opposite effect. I may be physically present but I’m mentally checked out: short and snappy and not very fun for the children to be with.
How do you juggle it all? What is the key to balance? Everything is meticulously in my phone diary, but for me I find that overwhelming. I continually check what’s coming up, almost wishing time away to be safe in the knowledge that I’ve completed something successfully and I can tick it off my list. But then, the next thing rolls around. My mind feels in a continual state of panic to ensure everything in the family life runs smoothly and my head is so full of everyone else’s information and needs that I feel as though it affects my parenting. My patience is so short all the time with the weight of the mental load of remembering it all and wanting to do it all well.
All of this makes Matt sound inept. He is not. But he and I also have very different personalities. I am highly strung and obsessed with plans and organising; he lives his life winging it and hoping it’ll end up ok (which it somehow always does!). But his very nature means he is not prone to organising or thinking ahead and so I feel I shoulder the whole load. And because I’m so used to carrying this load, we’re almost at a point where I don’t think either of us always realise. Because he’s at work, he isn’t seeing things being arranged and then carried out, he isn’t planning in his mind when he’s going to book parents evening. I action it and he just has to turn up. And when you aren’t the default parent, it’s really difficult to fathom the weight of all of these seemingly minor things when they are combined.
It doesn’t make me resent him, but it does make me resent the system. The system that’s created a women’s value to be linked to their role as a mother and how much can be successfully juggled. It’s a recipe for burnout, especially for those who are working as well.
Hopefully it’ll all settle down soon as we get back into the swing of school life. But my god, no wonder the kids are so exhausted; I’m bloody knackered and it’s still only September. This juggling act is just feeling like I’m not far off dropping a ball. My mood is low, I feel disengaged and I’m so bloody tired. So perhaps the way to improve these feelings are to prioritise a bit of self-care…I’ll add it to my list.
The Ginger Trio 